In Death I was Alive

31 Years old today. From birth to death, to death to birth. I write to you this morning with love in my heart as I am blessed by God for a second breath. Lips of red and alive I can kiss my son on my birthday. Hands of warm I can touch my wife. Chest of beating I can hug my family. Fingers that pulse I can write to you, skeletons of the dark. First place I went after my cardiac arrest?….. My blog, now filled with light in the Orchestra we play together, a sanctuary where we can confront our past with open eyes and painful tears.

I am glad to be alive. 31, statistically should still be 30. Above ground I type, for underground is where I could easily lay. Still talking to the gold figure in the dark of pitch black. 15 minutes flat lined in a place I can’t explain with words. I tried on the podcast with Travis but was stumbling over my own feelings and the understanding of what stood in front of me. I like to think that in Heaven I could have been, or Heaven I was going.  Petting my childhood cat while catching up with my Grandfather.

It’s a weird feeling writing to you today. I feel an outer body experience being up this early, coffee in hand, while emotions take over my hands. As the outside night has now turned dark blue as I drink this coffee as black as the trees outside. I am not supposed to be here, but I am. I feel God put me back on this earth for longer, but for what?  Who and what was that gold figure I was talking to?  As I watched myself – out of my own body, talk to the gold figure from afar, and then back to my personal perspective it switched, talking to the gold figure for at least 15 minutes. Honestly, it felt longer. We seemed to have talked for hours. Over what? I don’t know. The gold knew me, and I seemed to fully understand the situation at hand. I slightly remember a feeling of almost begging to be back on land. I don’t know if strings were pulled or if this was the plan? I then woke. I then lived. In death I was alive. This is a fact. I woke up and then begin to ask the questions one can only image asking. Where is my family? What happened? And for some reason the third question I asked was, “Was there a shooting?” Maybe I watch too much news. In death I was somewhere besides earth. Now I sit here writing to you blessed to be alive, cherishing magical days with my son and wife.

31 years old. A day that is truly “extra credit”. I feel we should celebrate everyday as if it’s a birthday. Or better yet, someone else’s birthday. I want to give more than you know, sometimes I just don’t know how. I want to give but at the same time I must support my family. It’s an odd situation when looked at from the inside out. I think I have a calling though. Something that has been on my mind for the last few weeks. Something that has spoken to me. I am going to get involved in the homeless. From Vets, to young people. Lost adults and drug addicted souls. I think I can help. I know I can. Yes, I want to get involved in my Church, but this to me is involving myself for God, without the credit. I will take none. I will help those that don’t need anything, but more of someone. That someone will be me, and maybe this transformation to one person will spread like the butterfly effect to many all around the world.  If one down and out homeless person can change his or her life, just maybe it will affect so many others. If I can change one person’s outlook on Weightlifting, then just maybe this will spread to many others in our community. See, to me it’s all outlook. This is how true gains are made in anything in life.

Stand up and outlook over the horizon to where you see yourself going, and where you want to set foot upon. I will take this experience with people who need me, just like I need you, the skeletons of the dark. Yes it’s light now, but the past never brightens, it only awakens to our understanding and acceptance. The dark will forever live. We will forever live in the dark. I get emotional thinking about you, the people who play your violin with me. Back in 2010, I sat down and wrote, and because of that I found you. Thank you for finding me, for it helped me find myself. I truly love you. God bless and happy travels.

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