Confused

After every storm is always light. One that I have seem to have fallen victim to. It’s funny how things move on, even when you don’t expect them to, nor want them to. In my eyes the world had stopped for the last few weeks, just like my heart. Focusing only on survival, pulling through, and recovery.  It was a scary time in the hospital, but a time that was  filled with so much love and care, family and friends all huddled together in the ICU as if the zombie apocalypse had occurred. Shoulder to shoulder, hand to hand as I watched the people I care about the most watch me.  A sight that beats even my most favorite of movies. This certain warmth I miss. This certain love I admire. This certain care I embrace with all my heart. But just like my heart once dead, it must come back to life. Just like life must continue spinning and moving, forward and bound as I lay in bed yelling, “Wait, not yet, don’t go!”  Here I am, back home, but no where near it.

I find myself walking outside under the sun, arm held above my eyes as if I am trying to spot a life boat from the island I have been stuck on. “Where you going baby,” I ask my wife, as she walked over to me with her keys in hand and purse strapped over her shoulder, giving me a kiss and then telling me she must run to the store for a few things. I smiled after the kiss as my head tilted down as my non-showerd  and unshaved beard started to itch – and said, “Be safe and hurry back, hunny,” she smiled and said she would, and then she was gone. Life goes on, and I am stuck.

I feel like a ghost. Watching over everyone as they live life. I am grateful and blessed to live everyday, but my usual day has been drastically changed in a blink of an eye. I am used to kicking ass and taking names. Slamming bars and hitting hard pump sessions. I am used to driving to the gym bumping house music with C4 in my blood, as I first pump my wife and smile like Denzel in Training Day. Now I sit, think and ponder. The past haunts me at times, as the quiet home brings past memories to life. Our beautiful memories come over me as a ghost of wind screams through the open kitchen window, reminding me of all the beautiful times my wife and I have shared.  So I write to you, my reader. Not even close to sad, for so happy I am still here, but confused. I am home sick in my own home. I am lost and found. I am living a new life that is going to take some major reflecting, understanding and strength to take journey upon.

I went to the gym last night for the first time to help motivate my wife as she nears 4 days out from her show October 15th. This was a big step for me, something I was timid and scared to do, but glad I did. I needed to get out of the house and back in the real world. Baby steps consisted of walks to the water fountain, rooting my wife on, helping spot, some light stretching, and a lot of just looking around as if my eyes were moving the weights. Then I proceeded to chug down a protein shake with much pride as if I just got done killing a workout. It felt good. I felt alive.

I am so proud of Jess. She is continuing on for the both of us. She is walking on stage for us, our family, and for God’s great gift to our family. I will be in her heart as she takes stage, as she shows the world how strong she is, how beautiful she is, and how brave she is. Jessica has been through a lot, and now it’s her time to let the North family roar aloud for all to hear!  I love you baby, let’s take home the Eagle!

Time will be my biggest understanding. Time will direct me back into this world with more to give than before. Time is with me, as I pray everyday for more time. I am slowly becoming ready to take venture on this long life ahead of me day by day.  I might feel out of place and confused now, but everyday that passes is a day of blessing, one that will heal my heart and find my path back to health.

Health and Life

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s