I wake up in sweats, having to lay bath towels down on my bed from the swamp of salt water leaking from my bruised and stitched body. Once a weightlifting machine, now a bed ridden sweat box. No caffeine is what they tell me, and what they have told me has turned me into a bird with no wings. Cut off from a certain heart disease still undiagnosed. My life feels undiagnosed as I lay another bath towel on my bed in the middle of the night as the rain falls hard from my always wide open window next to my bed. A window open while sleeping is like coffee in the morning, once shut, you can never sleep. Coffee to me has been pulled and taken, uplifted and moved on. Not knowing what my heart disease is makes for more tossing and turning, as I think about my son growing of age. Hoping my life is lived out to see him grow strong and wise, happy and loved with a family of his own. I don’t know what the future holds, but I guess none of us do. That’s the nice part though, not knowing. I want that. I want that back. My biggest concern is the knowing. The time line. The click, click is what keeps me awake sweating in my bed as eyes gaze at the ceiling fan. I wish I could have some coffee right now, I wish so bad.
The mornings are the hardest. Smokers will tell you. It’s about the rhythm throughout the day and the patterns that we build that make stopping something we love so hard to put down, something we know and understand suddenly becoming distant and alone. No more self relying on a coffee mug when I feel extra insecure. No more chugging C4 before war. Now it’s just me and my spear, my keyboard and I, as God gives me the strength for me to fight and live, conquer and inspire. He guides me down a new path and I walk with no questions asked. The path that I’m on – or need to take is not fully understood to me, but what I have is faith with ears and eyes and my soul wide open. I listen and wait for when He calls me to act, speak, write or even… die. When He askes me to reach I will, for maybe you the reader I am reaching to… as God might be talking to you through my fingers as I type these keys with goosebumps down my spine while the coffee cup sits next to me empty and dry. The plan is unknown, but the faith in God is clear as day. I am writing again for unknown reasons, but with much to say.
One thing I have learned about having no caffeine is that you must find ways to get a little bit more motivated for a task at hand. No phones out while the itchy face C4 rush hits your body and mind as you watch YouTube videos before crushing weights or going on a few errands with the family. No more coffee before work as you think, or while your foot taps to the music your listing to in your car. Now let’s be clear, I am in no way saying caffeine or pre-workout is bad. That would be like Cash not wearing black. I am just giving the other side to a more quiet, in-depth, alone world that does have its benefits. For example, now when I am being driven (cause I can’t drive yet) I listen to no music. No caffeine makes for me having no interest in music. Now I listen to the road, the sounds outside, and my thoughts. My thoughts talk more now as I have seemed to recently discover. More conversations with myself as my mind talks to me as if in a library while small chatter turns each page from the old authentic books that range from training to philosophy, career paths to self-fulfillment. Thoughts and conversations that I think might help me find more of, well… me.
When I do listen to music it’s no longer rap. Not on purpose, but my soul thinks it’s crap. The Character of Bar Slamming Jon North loves it! Not saying that’s bad. Just now in my life my soul prefers what I am listening to now, and that is my Dark Orchestra blog writing music. Calm and reflecting. Memory remembering and emotion sparking. I feel like I am a new me from dying to now. Yes, dying did change my view on many situations, importance, goals and much more, but that’s not what this is. I have been listening to Orchestra music because that’s who I am. I am more me now. You are seeing the character of Jon North out-of-order, non-existent. Locked in the closet just waiting to get out. You are getting me. I am getting me, someone I find odd and different as we continue to get to know one another.
The days are more calm and quiet. Perfect for writing. I think more quiet, and I listen more loud. I hear myself for the first time, and I like it. I have become much closer to God, and I love that the most. A lot of people don’t know that I got saved two months before I died. Did you know this? Yes, I got saved in Church at Athey Creek in West Linn, OR. The church me and my family go to every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. This is not just me being saved by God and now I believe. I believed that the Lord died for our sins to save me, us, and you. I truly believed and believe. God killed me to save me after I got saved. Once I let him into my life and accepted Christ as my Lord and savior, I was then literally saved. I wanted to share that with you. It’s a beautiful thing, and more life changing than you will ever know. Accept, stop fighting, and let God give you the strength to conquer.
Who knows, I might be able to drink caffeine once again. We need a diagnoses first. But before that, “Hello, my name is Jon North”.